Jonathan Garcia
Although my story is not a recent one, it is something that I still carry
with me and will for all eternity and if I can bring peace or comfort to
anyone then I'd be more than happy in sharing it.
Jonathan Garcia was born February 21,1984 he was 7 lbs and 21 1/2 inches.
I was only 21 years old back then, and he was my second baby.
I had a healthy baby girl born in 1981 and no family history of anything on
both sides. I carried a normal pregnancy, ate well, took good care of myself
and took the pre-natal vitamins during the entire pregnancy. So there was no
need for my doctors to worry or do any testing as there was nothing to alarm
anyone. The only thing I can recall now in looking back is that the baby while
inside me moved a lot. I'd mention it to the doctor at the checkups but I did
not realize all that excessive moving was the baby having convulsions and seizures.
I honestly didn't realize it nor was I able to explain it other than saying
the baby moves too much.
I only learned of Jonathan having anencephaly 3 days before he was born.
He was a full term baby with a due date of Feb 14th.
It was only at my last routine visit with the doctor on Feb 18th that he asked
me to go to the hospital to have an ultrasound as he then suspected a breech
baby. Ignorantly thinking that perhaps maybe this was the case and then maybe
needing a c-section, I went. In looking back now I can recall the face of the
female technician who seemed sad while performing this. But at the time, all I
was saying was: "I am certain I am having a boy and his name is Jonathan." She
never answered me but I can still remember now her look of sadness or pity. My
doctor was called and he then asked me to take an x-ray to confirm. He only
explained it as: "well, let's see if all is ok with size and see if nothing
is broken like a leg or arm" but his face did seem sad and worried if I think
of it now. Only back then I was too young, too excited that I didn't see anything.
After all the tests were done he called me into his office, and quite honestly,
the way he broke the news I think was just so damn horrible and even ignorant.
But is there really any good way of doing this?
The first thing out of his mouth was forget about this baby: "don't love it any
more it will not live long, it is sick and will die." Then he explained that what
Jonathan had was a freak of nature and how it is a one in a million thing that
happens in pregnancy and how some women miscarry but I didn't.
Can you imagine hearing that? He called it a neural tube birth defect I think,
but did not say any more. And frankly I was so young that I guess I would not
be able to understand more.
My husband and I left the office devastated and just not knowing what to do.
All I remember doing is crying and being so angry at God and life. It was so
un fair because I never did any drugs nor did I consume alcohol nor were there
any birth defects in either of our families. So I just could not understand.
After crying to the point of insanity some how I managed to keep strong and
deal with what gave me and I had a baby to take care of already. But it was
very difficult when my 2½ year old baby girl kept asking when will
Jonathan be born, "I want him home mommy."
My poor husband was not able to give me comfort he just backed away into his
own grief and he acted as if nothing. He refused to even talk about it. The
family nor any friends didn't know what to say or they'd say stupid things
like "well you will have another child don't worry."
Three days passed and it was time to give birth to baby Jonathan. It was a very
long and painful natural birth and even though they medicated me as much as they
could, nothing really helped as I knew what was going to happen. They did make me
receive some anaesthesia when he finally came out, so I was not able to see him
immediately. Hours later they brought him in with his little white cap and I was
too afraid, too weak to even hold him and only held his tiny hand instead. I loved
him already and it was just so painful to see this beautiful perfect angel in front
of me and know he wasn't mine to keep.
Little by little that first night I found the strength till I was able to carry
him in my arms and rock him. I remember a song playing at that precise moment
in the nursery " I can't smile without you" By Barry Manillow and all I could do
was listen to the words while kissing my sweet angel while my tears rolled onto
him too and sing him most of those words. He was just so beautiful and I just told
him over and over how much he was wanted and loved. I needed to let him know and
so the 3 days while I was in the hospital I spent all my time with him.
They say those babies do not cry, but my son did. I was so thankful for a kind
loving nurse who snapped a few instant pics of him for me because today I can
still view them and remember him.
My son died on that third day, right after I left the hospital they called me
at home to come back (just as I had gotten home). It was very sad and very
difficult to hold my dead baby boy now I had thought I would still be going to
visit him for a while longer, but somehow I knew he was in peace at last. His
mission here although brief was to fill me with love and compassion and to
value all I have in life, all given to us.
Jonathan was buried in our family plot where I always still lovingly visit him.
My son would have been 23 now. I know that something like this is just so
traumatic and difficult to deal with but we must remember always that all
happens for a reason even if we can't understand it. I often have little
signs that show me he is with me and is a gift God gave me. I hope they fill
someone with comfort because for me they truly do. I always prayed to God
through the years for signs to show me he is with me and I will tell you that
I have received those small signs.
A few years ago when my oldest lived in Albany for law school, her younger sister
and I had gone to visit her. We had gone into a local mall it was around Christmas
time so my girls wanted to look in a holidays ornament store. I waited patiently
outside and had thought a lot on this day of my son and how I'd have 3 children
here today with me if he was still here. I was a bit sentimental as the holidays
were approaching and then I decided to go in the store not to ruin it for my girls.
As I walked in a display of tiny tree ornament angels quickly caught my eyes
(it's as if something magnetic drew me there) and I just grabbed one without really
looking but just to purchase it because I loved angels and it secretly reminded me
of him. It wasn't till I was paying for it that I looked underneath it and realized
it said "Jonathan". As you can imagine tears filled me and my girls when they saw
it but they were happy tears because this was no coincidence.
Like this many other things have happened to me and I have found peace and comfort
in knowing that yes these babies are in fact angels God gave onto us and they
came for a reason.
I had though it had been very sad and ironic that a tombstone I had purchased only
a few months before I had Jonathan, for the family plot where my grandfather had
been buried in would be where my baby was going to go months later. But somehow
God wanted me to purchase it as it would be also for my son. I do not believe
these are coincidences but just God's way instead.
Here I am 23 years later, a proud mom of 2 precious girls, Jennifer my 25 year old
who just recently became a New York Attorney, and my beautiful Jeanette who is 20
and thinking of nursing. God has blessed me with them but mainly with my beautiful
Jonathan as he will always be in my heart and a big part of me. His mom will never forget him.
Thank You for allowing me to share my story, although it may not be recent for me
in many ways it's as if it were only yesterday as I can vividly recall every last detail of it.
Sincerely,
Brooklyn, N.Y
Last updated April 8, 2019