Luna Faith

Born April 21, 2020 8:30 p.m.
2 pounds 8 ounces and 13 inches.

Here's my story
My name is Kaydence Wells-Shirk, I am 16 years old.

On September 16, 2018, I got with who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. His name was Logan.

On September 21st, me and him got arrested for running away together.
My life at the time was rough. I lost my mom when I was 12, although I wasn't close to her I dreamed of growing up and finally being allowed to make the choice to see her. The fact of me knowing I wouldn't get a chance to do so caused me to feel like I didn't have anything to look forward to so I started to do my own thing and not care.
Logan took a lot of the pain away at the beginning and helped me realize there's more to life than getting in trouble all the time.
Me and him ended up having a no contact order put on us by the judge because of the runaway situation. Pretty much our whole relationship was over the phone. It was wonderful at first; he was everything to me. Not being able to see each other eventually got to us. It began to get very toxic. It got to a point we knew we needed to leave each other or it could lead to one of us taking our lives. We just couldn't. We were so caught up in the love/hate. We just stayed in the toxicity.
Almost a year into the relationship.

August 23 , 2019, (his 18th birthday), we broke the no contact order.
That day I prayed and asked god to send me a baby. I prayed and prayed crying, telling him I needed one to help me get thru life/look forward to something.
I didn't have much hope for me and Logan anymore. Things were only getting worse between us. I needed a different outlet to be happy and God heard me.

About a month later I had a dream. I remember it vividly. I had taken a pregnancy test and where the lines we're supposed to be it read "girl". I woke up and was in disappoint it wasn't real.

A few weeks later I began to actually notice signs that I was pregnant. At that time me and Logan was at our worst point. We were still together u could say, but not really talking. Before that we would stay on the phone 24/7 and put our phones in our pockets and go about our day with the call left on, because of both of us being overly controlling). Well it wasn't like that anymore.

Did I mention I live with my grandparents? Well my grandma was in a different state staying with her sister for a week so I didn't have no way to get to a doctor or get a test. At that point I about knew for sure I was pregnant. The morning sickness started to get worse day by day and it was only a matter of time that something bad could happen because I was already two months into the pregnancy and didn't even know for sure if I was. I was taking no vitamins. I didn't know 1 thing about pregnancy and I began to realize: maybe I'm not ready for this.

October 21, 2019, God answered my prayer.
As I'm taking the 88 cent pregnancy test I tried to cover up the test with the box it came in like I seen on the youtube videos of people doing. I wanted to be surprised and get my reaction on video, but even before I had time to put the box over it 2 bright purple lines showed up! I stood there in shock. I thought: no. This can't be what the lines mean! This lying. I'm not reading something right.

I then called my sister and asked her to tell me I'm crazy and she said no, that I'm in fact pregnant.

All I could do now was thank God.

I told my boyfriend Logan. Was he happy? I don't really know. That whole telling him thing is a complete blur to me now.

The next day I went to school and showed my teacher the tests. She took me into the counselor's office and had a doctor come in. I took another test at school and they gave me a pregnancy verification form. I was sitting on the floor while they were discussing with me my plans. I was sitting there trying to hold in my smile from being so happy. I felt embarrassed because I'm only 16 and didn't want them to think I was trying to have a baby.

I look back at that now and feel so ashamed I didn't act more mature about it.

The next day came around and I told my dad I needed to tell him something. He picked me up. I had the verification form and test in a folder. We sit down on his couch and I give him the piece of paper. He says "congratulations you've accomplished 1 of the 2 most important things in life". Then gives me a hug. We then go right to Walmart and get prenatal vitamins. Little did I know it was too late.
The next day I got called down for a school meeting. It was to tell my grandparents. There were about 7 people in the room and my grandma goes "So why are we here?" Everyone looks at me. She looks at the girl sitting across from her and goes "she pregnant?" The girl shook her head yes.

I felt like I ruined the whole family. Both my grandma and grandpas faces will forever be imprinted in my mind from when they found out.

Things were weird around the house for a few days. I felt invincible. They warmed up to the fact and everyone started to get excited.

It then hit me that I was really pregnant and my anxiety started to kick in. Out of nowhere at 9:00 at night I started to freak out. I got a feeling there was something wrong with my baby. I begged my grandma to take me to the hospital.

When we got there I was so excited. Due to it not being an actual appointment they wouldn't let me hear the heartbeat or look. When she was done checking everything she walked out and I peeked on the screen.

There it was my little baby! Looking nothing more than just a dot, but the biggest blessing I've ever got to look at for nothing more than 2 seconds.

I went back into the room feeling like a whole mom! I was beyond proud. The doctors came back in and told me I was 9 weeks along and everything looks prefect!

I felt a relief, but something still didn't feel right. I just kept thinking to myself it was too good to be true.

Me and Logan started to get along again and everything was ok, everyone was happy.

I went out and bought blankets and diapers. I would sit in my room for hours planning on how I was gonna set her nursery up. I imagined a crib with pink and gray lace with Winnie the Pooh decor. I was the happiest I've ever been. There was a new season in my life and I had to get ready for it!

And then ...

On November 11th, I had my first real ultrasound at my 12 weeks appointment.
Me, Logan, my Grandma and Aunt. On the way there I'm praying in my head that everything's ok. We get there. I lay on the bed, they dim the lights, Logan grabs my hand and we look up and there's our prefect long legged baby! It starts flipping around, kicking, throwing punches. My aunt goes "look at it punch, she's gonna be a fighter just like her mommy".

We got to listen to its heartbeat and it was better than any Machine Gun Kelly song I've ever listened to. Lemme tell ya! It was music to my ears, I was so proud.

I asked the doctor if everything looks ok she said "everything looks perfect". Me and Logan then smiled at each other. I had it! I was convened the start of my new little family could never be torn apart.

They put us in the next room after we were done. My grandma and aunt go outside to the car and me and Logan are sitting in the room waiting for results. My doctor comes in and says "I have some important news to tell you and I think your grandma needs to be in here with you".

My heart dropped. I thought "what could possibly be wrong, that other doctor said everything was perfect". I ask her to just tell me what was wrong and she kept repeating herself "your grandma needs to be in here first". I then began to yell at her telling her to tell me what is wrong with my baby. Logan then goes downstairs and gets my grandma.

I'm in the room alone for about 15 minutes. Just flipping through all the possibilities that could be wrong.

Everyone comes back in and I look at my grandma with her worried face while shaking my head no, losing control of my thoughts. My doctor then begins to talk. My whole body feels clammy, I feel dizzy and and just want to escape the tiny room. All I remember is she showed us the ultrasound picture of my perfect baby and was explaining its head wasn't supposed to look like that.

She then explained what the condition was. I zoned completely out and kept saying in my head "I have God, so this isn't true", "this lady's stupid", "shut up". I then began to laugh a little bit and think in my head "I have God, I have faith. My baby is completely fine".

Then the only thing I was focused on was Logan. His voice seemed like a speaker and everyone else in the background sounds like mumbling. He goes "So there's no way it can live?"

I then come back to reality and the doctor shakes her head and says no. I grab Logan and start crying like I never have before. They stop all tests they were gonna do on me and tell us we should go home. I felt disgusted.

I felt like the doctors had given up on my pregnancy. They made me an appointment with OSU to confirm the diagnosis. Everyone goes out. Me and him stay in the room looking at the ultrasound picture and I try to find a way that there missing something. Saying they're not looking at it right. Telling him our baby looks completely fine.

I then get dressed to go out to the car. We go to McDonald's. I managed to get a few chicken nuggets down. Then we go home and my grandma calls my dad. She tells him what is going on. He gets on the phone with me and I can't quite understand what all he's saying cause he's speaking fast. He keeps saying "don't listen to them doctors Kaydence everything's gonna be ok. We got God and you need to find God NOW".

My dad often tells me I never listen and take his advice, but I sure did listened to them words my whole pregnancy after that. I then give my grandma a hug and we both start crying.

I tell her I'm sorry. I feel I just broke her heart and there was nothing I could do to fix it. Me and Logan relax the rest of the day while he lets me cry to him. That's the closest I've ever felt to him and he was a huge support thru out that whole day.

The days after that leading up to the appointment to confirm it, I just hoped. All I could do was to hope that the doctors were wrong. There was still a chance our baby was gonna be ok.

November 21st we went to OSU.
They did confirm my baby's diagnosis.
My whole world came crashing down. Everyone was back to being depressed, me and Logan's relationship started to be nothing.

On December 12th, me and Logan finally ended things for good.
We lasted 1 year and 3 months. Even though it was a time I needed him the most I think it did me better in the long run.

On December 30th I felt my baby move with my hand for the first time.
From there on it became nothing but strong kicks, punches, turns, wiggles and the feeling of long perfect little fingers rubbing across. I then realized my baby showed me more love then that man ever did and could.
I started to go to church with my dad and I really started to enjoy it. It was a good sized church and they all prayed for my baby in front of hundreds of people.

January 1st, 2020, I had my gender reveal.
As we pop the balloon the confetti flies out in slow motion in bright pink "It's A Baby Girl!" my grandma yells. I couldn't believe it. Remember that dream I said I had right before I found out I was pregnant? Crazy right.

Things began to get real. All I wanted to do was go buy little girl clothes and get her pink and gray room ready with Winnie the Pooh decor and buy little bows that would go in her brown hair that I imagined would look like her daddy's.

As I knew there wasn't much else I could do to celebrate her life. I started to watch Steven Furtick and pray for what I wanted. I would get so excited and tell my little girl a miracle was about to happen. I prayed more than I ever have. I put all my faith into God and let him handle it. It took a lot out of me to go to school. I'd nearly throw up every morning on the bus. While walking down the hallways I would have people staring at my baby bumb that I could no longer hide. My friends would say stuff like "I can't wait to meet your baby" and all I could do was put on a fake smile.
I didn't want to tell the people at school about her condition because I knew they would have looked at my pregnancy differently. When I told one of my family members about her condition he said "so when was her due date going to be?" as if she wasn't here anymore. It tore me apart inside and made me not want to tell people.

I would go to the appointments and listen to her heartbeat and watch her move. It was the best feeling ever knowing my baby was alive with a strong heartbeat. Although the appointments got worse every time. There was not 1 appointment that went by I didn't get more bad news.

First it was acrania, then anencephaly, then her hand had appeared to be turned the wrong way, then they thought her heart was bigger on one side, then her foot was turned the other way as well, then her spine was completely opened, then she stopped growing over all.

Remember when I said it was too good to be true that I was pregnant? Yeah, well now it's too bad to be true that all this stuff is wrong.

It seemed impossible. I then denied all the doctors when they would make plans about what would happen after birth. I didn't want to hear it. I said my baby would be fine and went about my days. There was no way God was doing all this to me and her. I honestly didn't believe for a second the doctors were right about what was about to come. I tried to convince my grandma that she would be completely fine when she came out.

The doctors said they wanted to induce me as soon as possible due to her not growing anymore. I agreed because if I didn't my life could have been in danger. They scheduled it for May 8th. My original due date was May 28th.

On April 20th, I woke up and I prayed. I said "please God let this baby be born on her own time and not the doctors' time".
Way later that night at 5:00 in the morning I started having really bad back pain. I told my grandma and she said I'm fine and it's just my body getting ready for next month.

I notice she wasn't moving at all and when I laid down I could see the whole out line of her body. I started to go into a complete panic. I started shaking my belly trying to get her to move and there was nothing. I thought: this is it. She's really gone. What have I done?

I was scared to tell my grandma so I called my doctor and told her what's going on. She ushers me that I'm probably just in labor and need to get to the hospital to be checked right away. I hang up the phone and go to tell my grandma and I felt a tiny kick! I was so relieved. I still had my baby and this wasn't the end! There was still faith in my mind and she was going to make it!

I grab a bag and threw her blanket and the white laced onesie with white laced socks I had for her and her 2 other outfits and we go out the door. Me and my grandma arrive at the hospital and they check my contractions. I was 3 cm dilated. They said I could either wait there or rush to the Columbus Ohio hospital right away. Due to needing genetic testing done I had to deliver in Columbus. So while waiting a half hour deciding what to do and my grandma on the phone yelling at my dad, we finally rush back home and get clothes for us and whatever else. My dad leaves work and picks us up. So we get into this tiny car that I could barely fit in due to being so big and we go on our way.

Our house is an hour and a half away and before we even get out of our town I started to feel her dropping. My dad was swerving over to every cop he seen on the highway asking for an escort because I was sure I was gonna have her in the car. There was no way we could make it. We called an ambulance to take me the other half of the way and they denied us as well.

I played one of my favorite songs I listened to before every appointment. It sings "we need a miracle now". We finally arrive and by that time I hardly had my belly left. Due to the Covid-19 virus there wasn't allowed anyone in the room so my dad had to go back home. Me and my grandma sign in and they put me in a room.

At this point I had more faith then I ever had. This nurse comes in and checks to make sure everything's ok. While she was checking my little girl's heartbeat she looked worried. It took her about 10 minutes and she said "I can't find her heartbeat". At this point there was nothing I haven't heard before and I was so numb to it I just said "Well I don't know why because she's fine".
I knew my baby was ok and I said "try to find it again." She goes out and a different doctor comes in and he finds it right away.
Me and her heartbeat was the same. 120. I said "see, I told you she's fine". I finally felt proud that I could prove somebody wrong about her for once. When I said every time I went and got an ultrasound something else was wrong I meant that. As the doctor was looking at the ultrasound he noticed she only had 1 kidney. He then starts talking to me about the condition again and try's to prepare me, but i didn't listen. I kept repeating "yup" and toned him out.

Around 6:20 p.m my water broke. I needed to get into the delivery room, but there was people still using it. I then plan on doing my makeup and hair when I got in there for pictures. They finally wheeled me down and I couldn't get off the wheel chair. My contractions started and right away I had to push. There was no time for makeup! They eventually get me on the bed and I try to go to sleep since I hadn't been to bed in 2 straight days. As soon as I lay my head down I knew the baby was coming. I get up and lean over the bed. A doctor comes in and asked if I wanted an epidural. There was no time for that and I have anxiety about medicine so I denied it. The pain starts to get worse so I finally give in and say give me some. He goes to get the medication and by the time he got back into the room, 10 minutes later I done already had her. Without any medicine!!

When I was pushing I didn't know her little head was out yet and I felt it. It was clear by the feeling her whole brain had been exposed. I think to myself "I still got faith"! They lay a white blanket over my chest with colorful ducks on it and then laid her on my chest. I then felt her move twice on me. I put my hand on her back and feel her opened little spine then felt her take a deep breath.

My grandma goes "is she ok"? I shook my head, I don't know and had the biggest smile on my face.

It's sad to say, but I wasn't concerned at the moment if she was breathing or not. I was just happy to meet my little Luna! I knew if she was gone, she was on her way flying to heaven. I knew I prayed enough and had more than enough faith in God and her if she was on her way to heaven at the moment it was for a reason. There was no more I could do. I did my part by staying by God's side through the whole way and I'm more then proud I got to give her a chance at life. I felt relieved that she for sure wasn't in pain anymore.

I cuddled with her warm self and played me and hers song one last time. "Small bump" by Ed Sheeran. (I used to play it nearly every night for her.)

After hours went by the doctors took Luna from my arms and weighed her etc. I went to the recovery room. I was completely numb from such a wonderful heartbreaking experience. I don't have much memory of how I felt. Pretty much numbness and anxiety.

They eventually brought Luna to me. She was dressed up in a pretty gray gown with pink birds and white hearts on it with a pink bow wrapped around her. She had a nice long white hat on and pink/knitted blankets around her. She was beautiful. I just took a moment to look at her and enjoy every second of it.

My anxiety started to raise up and I started to get upset. I asked if they could take her out and I would say goodbye to her tomorrow. Was that wrong of me? Should I have kept her in there with me? She was all alone that night and I felt selfish. Just cause of me not being able to control my anxiety I missed out on not looking at her as long as I could have. I have to realize she was still in that room with me all night. She was watching over me. She wasn't alone. She was meeting God and my little brother. She was safe.

The next day came around and we were about to leave. I get my makeup done up as best as I could for her. They bring her in and asked if I wanted to hold her. I shook my head no and started crying. Was that wrong of me? I felt that holding her for the last time when she was all warm and cuddly was best. I then look down at her and she is a twin of her daddy! Same nose, same lips. Absolutely beautiful and perfect in my eyes. I can't believe we created something so wonderful and precious.

It was time to say goodbye to my little angel.
Just for now.
The nice chaplain lady with a soft voice comes in and baptizes Luna. It really started to hit me that she was gone and while almost passing out due to the anxiety. I just wanted out of there. I didn't want to see my baby like that anymore. Was that wrong of me to rush things? I wanted her to wake up and come with us. I then bend over and give her a kiss and tell her mommy loves her. I couldn't believe it.

Why did God answer my prayer and give me my little girl I asked for if he was just gonna take her away?

The weeks after I was home from the hospital I was somewhat happy. I grew to be proud to give God my little angel.

As I'm writing this, it's been 2 months since I had her and things are beginning to really hit hard. There are no words to explain how much I need my little girl here with me. Now all I have is the memories/pictures and her urn. There sits her white laced bassinet in the corner of my room that she should be in. Instead it's all her teddy bears she was given.

I'm just now starting to deal with her passing. I can say I didn't want to tell people. After she passed it was easier to tell people she was fine. I didn't want to accept the fact she is really gone. Most importantly I didn't want it to get around to her dad. (this is not the place to bash him so i won't say why). I feel beyond guilty that I didn't come forward about her passing. Luna didn't deserve that. It was a sad, but wonderful thing she went to heaven. I need to celebrate her going home because I know she's happy and not hurting.

Things I regret. I was told that I would be able to do anything I wanted with her. Dress her, give her a bath, paint her nails, etc. I was so caught up in moment and such little time. I didn't get to do anything like that. I wish I would have took her blanket off and looked at the 13" they said she was. I wish I would have kissed her lips instead of her forehead. I wish I would have got help with my anxiety/eating disorder so she would have been a little bit more healthier. I wish I would have turned her over and looked to see if she had dimples on her shoulders like I do.
While she was in my belly I wish I would have talked to her more. I wish I wouldn't have put her through so much stress by yelling, or complaining about throwing up. I feel that she thought I was mad at her and I can never forgive myself for it. I didn't know how important/precious someone's life is until I gave birth.

One thing I don't regret is telling people she was gonna make it. I strongly believed the whole way she was going to and I'm beyond proud I stuck to my faith. Even though it didn't happen the way I wanted it to, I know I did all I could do. and once again, staying by God. It was in his hands after that.

I named her Luna Faith because Luna is the moon. You know how u see half of the moon and then it becomes a full moon ? I imagined that as her condition. Her middle name Faith because I had faith until the very end that her beautiful head would soon be full and normal just like the moon.

Logan if you're reading this, I just want to say you missed out on a wonderful, yet short but wonderful, life of our daughter. Even though through all the heartache with you, all the appointments without you, having to pop the gender balloon by myself, not having you there to rub my belly and feel her strong perfect kicks, not having you there to see what a wonderful little girl we created. I'll continue to pray for you and hopefully you'll get to meet our Luna Faith one day. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to when it's my time to go.

Thank you to my Mamaw and Papaw for not giving up on me. Thank you Mamaw for going through this long, hard, wonderful, sad journey with me. If I didn't have you I'm not sure I would have got through this. You're the strongest lady I've ever met and I love you more than anything. You deserve everything.

Thank you Dad for showing me how to have God in my life. All the nights I didn't want to get up and go to church. Thank you for not giving me a choice. If it wasn't for you, Luna wouldn't have the name she has. I love you so very much. Beyond proud of the person you've became.

Thank you Uncle for sticking to your word. Thank you for being there when I need you. I love you very much and so would have Luna.

Thank you Jaclyn for always hugging my belly and getting excited with me about Luna arriving. You would of been a wonderful aunt. I love you sis.

Thank you Sarena for believing in me and Luna and always having our backs since day 1. I love you forever.


Luna Faith
Mommy misses lying in bed at night listening to Steven Furtick while telling you a miracle was about to happen. I miss putting my phone on my belly to watch you kick while we listened to our song "small bump" by Ed Sheeran. I miss getting out of the bath and rubbing lotion on my bump while feeling you move and having that special bond. I miss going to the appointments and hearing your perfect little heartbeat and watching you kick your legs on the ultrasound. Even though I was denied your cry at birth, I am beyond thankful for the 2 little times you moved when they laid you on my chest and being able to feel you take a deep breath. Even though you should be laying here with me watching Winnie the Pooh, getting dressed up to go to bed; you're not. You're up in heaven in God's hands and I'm beyond proud I was able to give you a chance at life. A love so strong it made saying hello and goodbye in the same day worth all the pain. I held you every second of your life. Thank you so much for staying strong and waiting to take your last breath on mommy's chest.
Mommy misses you angel.
Until we meet again.
Amen

Last updated June 27th, 2020