Mabel Starla-Rose

I found out I was pregnant with Mabel when I was only 3 and a half weeks along courtesy of one of those super early tests. The feeling I remember is overwhelming excitement. Having had my son under a year before I was overjoyed to be having two under two and felt that this would mean that our little family would be complete.

I felt anxiety leading up to the twelve-week scan, as I always do before a scan. I remember telling my partner and parents that I was scared that there would be something wrong. Everyone reassured me that there was no way anything would be wrong.

The first thing I saw when the sonographer put the ultrasound on my stomach was a strong heartbeat. I breathed a sigh of relief as she continued scanning. I remember her expression changing as she said she couldn't see my baby's skull. I didn't feel alarmed, thinking that perhaps baby was in a funny position or something. When I looked at her face again, I knew something was seriously wrong, she told me that my baby didn't have a skull and that she'd need to get someone in to give a second opinion. I asked her if my baby would die and she just nodded her head. They allowed my partner and son into the room (against hospital rules) and I cried, feeling heartbroken. The two sonographers came back and told me of my baby's diagnosis, acrania and anencephaly. They gave me a leaflet and told me to return to the hospital later that day or tomorrow to make arrangements with a doctor in the event I chose to have a termination.

They were incredibly kind to me but I went away feeling shocked and upset and told them I needed a week to think about everything.

My first thought, in all honesty, was termination. Despite being incredibly upset by the idea, it seemed cruel to me to allow my baby to live when they were in pain (I assumed). I am so glad that I asked for that week to think about it because it took me two days of research to decide that I wanted to keep my baby. All the information I found online gave me hope that I could meet my baby alive as well as reassuring me that my baby would feel no pain. She was wriggling about in the scan so much I felt that she wanted to live and feel the love of her mum and dad.

The next few weeks were a blur. Meeting specialists all of whom reiterated that my baby was 'incompatible with life' and medical statement but one that I found upsetting to have repeated. My midwife was an angel along with everyone who supported me through it all. I joined anencephaly.info and that was the turning point for my journey, I discovered that I didn't need to feel alone and that so many other people were also going through this.

I found out at 16 weeks that she was a little girl, a bittersweet feeling as I have always dreamt of having a little girl to raise. I gave her the name Mabel.

I spent the week I found out about her condition (12 weeks) to around 24-25 weeks absolutely terrified every scan or midwife appointment that she had passed away. But she kept on going and she began kicking me.

At 31 weeks I was just excited, excited to meet her in 7 weeks' time when my c-section was booked for. I was terrified of the c-section as my last one was not a great experience but I felt that meeting her alive was the most important thing.

Then on the 12th of August, the thing I had been afraid of the entire pregnancy came true. It occurred to me when I woke up that I couldn't remember whether Mabel had kicked me at all last night, I poked at my stomach but got no response. Mabel had been incredibly active; this was unusual for her. That evening, after spending the whole day trying everything, I headed to the hospital to find out what I already knew.

The silence on the doppler machine is something I will never forget. And the sight of her just lying there on the ultrasound. I cried so hard, not understanding why she had died, I had made the decision to keep her so why had she died?

I went home for the night and came back the next day expecting to have the c-section I was dreading. I decided to try my luck at an induction, my induction had failed last time ending up with an emergency c-section but I thought this time I should give it another go. When I came back, they scanned me again and showed that she was in the perfect position for a breech delivery, it was almost as if she knew that I wanted to deliver her and got into the best position.

I went into labour on the 15th of August 2024 following a successful induction. I was in labour for 12 hours. It was terrifying, I felt so scared to see her tiny body and know there was no chance of her living as she had been gone for days. At 9.32 pm my precious girl was born, they wrapped her in a towel and handed her to me.

She was perfect, I was surprised at how I felt. I thought I would only feel devastation but instead I felt joy, to finally hold her in my arms. She was beautiful and I cuddled her tightly.

I didn't get to hold her for long before we had to place her into the cuddle cot but she was able to stay next to me. I dressed her in a preemie outfit which swamped her and gave her the little bunny toy I had packed for her. I felt myself smile every time I looked at her. We spent 3 days together before her body no longer was able to stay with us. They were a beautiful but emotional 3 days.

We had her body blessed by the hospital chaplain, a way of feeling that she was in God's arms and was being well looked after. I know I will never ever forget her, every day I miss her so badly that I randomly burst into tears at times. But I would do it all again, even the part where she passed, because to me she was perfect and is perfect.

Her life mattered despite it being short.

I pray that one day I will meet her again and get to cuddle and hold her forever.

Bee

Last updated 30.08.2024