Mirabel Monique

Based on our due date and some rough estimations Mirabel Monique joined our family around June 17th, but it was not until about a month after in mid-July when it hit. I started getting a funny taste in my mouth, one I only get when there is a baby on the way. On the night I told my husband there was something off, he was not excited to run to the store to get a test. Needless to say, excitement was not what filled the room that night. He was angry and started thinking like a dad and questioned how we were going to handle having a third child. The next few days were silent on the topic. After a heated conversation where I blamed my husband's attitude for a feeling I had, that God was telling me our baby was not going to be ok, his attitude changed, and he let the excitement set in.

I started proposing names and got inspired by my daughter's favorite movie at the time, Encanto. I proposed Mirabel Monique and my husband finally agreed.

When we later got her diagnosis, her name gained new meaning to me, I felt it fit perfectly as she had come to be the miracle for our family.

We had our confirmation appointment on August 3rd and we were finally able to share the news with our direct family. Like clockwork, at the 10-week mark, Mirabel decided to follow in her brother's foots steps and we landed in the ER with a subchorionic haemorrhage. Once we hit the 12-week mark everything looked good and the fear of something bad happening faded, so we decided to share the news and make it Facebook official.

We were about 14 weeks along on September 15th when I went in to see the MFM thinking I was going in to be treated for a subchorionic haemorrhage and left with the news that my baby would pass shortly after birth.

The doctor was amazing and helped us navigate the unknowns. Although he gave the option of looking to other states if termination was something we would consider, it was never something he tried to push on us. He sat with us for as long as we needed at every appointment and jumped on board to help us with our one goal which was to meet our baby girl alive. "I believe in miracles" was the one phrase he said that gave me hope and I was determined for my baby to be a miracle.

We were the first anencephaly case for my standard OBGYN, so on the first appointment after diagnosis she suggested things that gave us hope that there could possibly be a medical option to save her. I think with time she realized that there was nothing she would be able to do, but she was amazing and let me come in to see her as often as I needed to see my baby girl.

The journey had moments of great sorrow. Feeling that my worst nightmare was going to be my new reality, not understanding why we had to hit rock bottom when we were devoted Christians. Arguing about choices we made because they didn't seem to be the safest choice for her. Hearing people talk as if she was already dead hurt my heart.

When I told my husband her diagnosis it was as if he had gotten hit with a ton of bricks. He was in denial until he saw it for himself. He was frustrated at God for giving us a baby girl that He was going to take away.

The 8 months of Mirabel's life were bittersweet, but filled with evidence of the presence of God and how He uses the most unexpected people to do his work. A few of the biggest revelations include:

• He proves to keep His promises and we got the news that I had gotten a promotion and the pay increase was exactly what I had estimated would be needed to cover the additional expenses that my husband had been so worried about.
• Changing churches at the beginning of the year. He knew we would need to be at Northrock for this season. It was as if the built different series was written for us reminding us that we can live with joy in the valleys of life and giving a different perspective for asking why. Rather than asking "why me" in anger, to ask it in a sense of searching for God's purpose in the situation.

We celebrated her life in my womb with joy. Holding Saturday prayer services with our family and friends. My family through us a gender reveal and a baby sprinkle (where we focused on getting keepsakes).

We were happy to enjoy 35 weeks with her making memories. She got to join us at:

• her brother's 1st birthday
• family game nights
• our first pumpkin patch visit
• family Halloween video as Winnie Pooh
• experiencing the Day of the Dead in Mexico
• her aunt turning 21
• her sister's 3rd birthday
• Christmas and New year's
• me officially finishing my MBA
• Jess day on her dad's Birthday
• Crafting and making wine for her auntie and my 30th birthday
• And a trip to a farm

We got to see our baby girl moving in the sonogram for the last time on January 16th. February 5th started like any other day when we spend the night at my parents' house. It was 2 pm when my husband started freaking out because my belly kept getting hard. He started tracking how often it was and we were right at 5-6 min and since the doctor had said we should go into the hospital if I had more than 5 contractions in an hour, we headed out at around 3:30. We were both hopeful that it would be a false alarm since we were hoping for at least one more week. We went in and they started the triage. The nurse was more worried about how Mirabel's monitor was reading than what mine said. They called the doctor and they agreed I wouldn't get admitted based on the babies monitor, so they moved to check me and I was 6 cm and there was no going back.

Shortly after I was settled in, my family started rolling in and I worked on my makeup to be sure I was picture ready with my baby girl. Once most of my husband's family had gotten there, I decided to speed things along and she made her debut at 12:33 am February 6th, 2023, a moment I will never forget.

I had not allowed for my bag to be broken so on the first contraction when I was ready to push, the bag exploded. I took a quick breath to get a second push in on the same contraction as I could feel her coming, I gave a pushing grunt and she slipped right out. Since she was only 35 weeks, her little lungs were not fully developed so it was hard for her to breath, but she was born with a strong heart beat and will to live. We thought she was starting to fade after 20 min., but she was a fighter like her mother.

She may not have fit everyone's description of beauty, but she was the perfect little girl for me. She was 3 lbs 6 oz and 15 cm tall, had the perfect button nose that came from her dad, chubby cheeks and black hair like her siblings, and she had her right arm crossed over her chest and refused to stretch it out, so stubborn like her mother. She made the cutest cu sounds and consistently took little gasps to help us know she was still ok.

Everyone that was with us that night was able to hold her and enjoy every minute we had with her. I was hopeful that her siblings would be able to meet her while she was still with us and I debated to wake them up and bring them when she gave us the second scare at around 5:40. I asked her to hold on just a bit longer for them and she kept fighting. She started to fade again and I knew she wasn't going to make it and I told her it was ok to let go. My husband was kind and let me hold her as we read to her "Siempre to Querre". We held her close and gave her lots of love until her little heart stopped at 6:30am and she was healed in Heaven.

Mirabel was blessed and only knew love and never suffered.

I am a big organizer and unfortunately, I will not be able to plan her birthday parties or wedding and all I got for her was her memorial service, so I did not want to do something at a funeral home. I wanted her service to represent our journey with her. One full of joy and sprinkled with grief. Planning it that way made it easier for me as I focused on making it a day we could look back at and not remember a room full of sorrow.

I had my sister help look for decorations and she did an amazing job. I picked a vineyard because wine was sentimental to me and Mirabel loved grape juice. We did have traditional service with a pastor speaking and me and my husband shared our experience and we had a memory video we shared. Me and my husband had a private moment where we wrote letters to her and we plan on going back to the vineyard every year to write to her. We also had a butterfly release which was joyful time.

Although God did not answer my prayer for her healing, and she was also not the answer to someone else's prayer by being an organ donor, she is my miracle baby.

In this journey God reminded me that we need to wait patiently for the things we hope for that we do not yet have, so we will continue to wait patiently for God to fulfil his promise and continue working this journey into something good.

We struggle to understand why we were not allowed to keep her here and why God chose not to heal her, and it is ok for us to battle with God and His will, but we know with time God will heal the butterfly shaped hole, she left in our hearts, as we continue to see how her story brings joy to this world.

Mirabel was her own kind of miracle. She was a uniter, and she will continue to be because, although she is not here with us her purpose will continue as our family continues to serve the Lord.

Thank you.

Jessica

Last updated May 14, 2024