Why carry a dying child?
A mother's perspective
Many of you may have wondered, "What's the point?"... or perhaps
pitied us for 'having' to continue carrying a child who is not
going to live for long... I understand these thoughts, because
when my sister was carrying Thomas Walter (who had been diagnosed
with anencephaly at 18 weeks and lived for 17½ hours after
birth) I really didn't properly comprehend the whole situation.
I knew it was the 'right' thing to do. I didn't question that I
would have no other option if the same thing ever happened to me
(although I knew it never would!) But I thought how awful it was
to know for over four months that the child you are carrying is
unable to live outside your womb.
Once he was born, I was able to hold my nephew and see him finally
as a real person - a precious unique creation - I began to realise
that there was a lot more to it than mere 'ethics'. When, much to
my disbelief, my own baby, Benedict,
was diagnosed with this same condition four years later - I was
finally able to grasp it, although it has taken me a long time to
be able to put my thoughts into words. It is only since
Charlotte's diagnosis that I have
found words that almost convey my feelings.
Some people think we carried Benedict and Charlotte to term because
we don't agree with abortion, because we are Catholic, or perhaps
because our nephew was carried to term after a fatal diagnosis.
While these factors probably all played a part in our immediate
refusal of the option to 'terminate', this is not what it's all
about!
It's about love!
It's about my baby!
It's not about some tragic, fatal medical condition - it's about my child.
We do not possess more strength than other people. It's not because
we can cope where others wouldn't. There is no way to avoid the sad
fact that she cannot live long after birth with this condition, but
causing Charlotte to die earlier will not stop this happening. Causing
her to die earlier will only take from us the beautiful experience of
knowing and loving her.
The tragedy is not the fact that we *know* our baby will die.
The tragedy is that *our baby will die*.
It is not nice to know for months beforehand, but it gives us a
chance to appreciate a life so brief, and not to miss a moment.
The value of Thomas Walter, Benedict and Charlotte cannot be measured
by the length of their lives - we don't apply this yardstick to adults,
so why should we to babies? A baby is not a possession, an accessory
to acquire. A baby is a gift, a new entity, a precious, individual
soul loved by God. We are created for a purpose, there is a reason
for our being here. Even if that reason is unclear to us most of the
time, we are constantly affecting other people in our families, communities etc.
Who knows what purpose can be fulfilled in 9 months and one day?
I don't know, but God does.
I do know that Benedict left a lasting impression on our family,
he made us slow down, savour life, and treasure our other children
even more. He made us realise that we cannot control or predict what
will happen in the future, he made us rely on God. And how often are
we given the opportunity to really give another person true unconditional
love? Love that truly expects no return? It was a blessing to
experience that kind of pure love!
So don't pity us for carrying a child we know will die. Carrying
this beautiful person is an honour. Grieve for the fact that our
baby will die. We wouldn't wish away the time we had with Benedict,
and also this time we are now experiencing with Charlotte, just to
save us the pain of losing them.
I've always thought of it like this; if your 3 year old was diagnosed
with untreatable, fatal cancer and had only 4 months to live; would
you prefer the doctor kill your child straight away so that you
didn't have to wait for his/her impending death? Or would you
prefer to spend as much time as you could with your child and
love him/her for as long as you had left?
Someone asked us after Benedict died, "Was it worth it?"
OH, YES! For the chance to hold him, and see him, and love
him before letting him go... For the chance for our children
to see that we would never stop loving them, regardless of their
imperfections? For the chance to give him everything we could?
OH, YES! Love your children, and remember that they each have
their own unique mission. Children are always and only a blessing
from God - even if they don't stay very long...
Teresa Streckfuss
May 2004
Last updated December 22, 2022
